Are You Stuck with A Person Who Is in B.E.D. Mode?
- Dr. Devyani Rozario
- Sep 6
- 3 min read
Dr. Devyani Rozario
Corporate Professional/Academician/Soft skills Trainer/Happiness Coach,/Life Coach/Ex State President Maharashtra Marketing Council, WICCI
Dealing with people who are stuck in the B.E.D. (Blame, Excuse, Denial) cycle can be incredibly challenging and frustrating.
The constant cycle of Blame, Excuse, and Denial is a defence mechanism for such people.
They often resort to these behaviours to protect their ego and avoid uncomfortable feelings like guilt, shame, or fear.
Their behaviour can create a toxic environment and negatively impact your own well-being.
While you can't force them to change, you can adopt strategies to protect yourself and, in some cases, encourage a healthier dynamic.
Here's how to deal with people who are constantly in B.E.D. mode:
1. Set and Maintain Firm Boundaries
This is the most crucial step. B.E.D. behaviour thrives on a lack of boundaries.
Communicate your limits: Clearly and calmly state what you will and will not tolerate.
Don't engage in their game: When they start to blame or make excuses, resist the urge to argue or defend yourself. This only fuels the cycle.
Walk away if necessary: If they continue to cross your boundaries, it's essential to follow through and remove yourself from the conversation or situation.
2. Practice Empathy Without Enabling
It's helpful to remember that B.E.D. is often a defence mechanism stemming from fear, insecurity, or a fragile ego.
Acknowledge their feelings, not their beliefs: You can say, "I can see that you're upset." This validates their emotions without agreeing with their excuses or blame.
Don't rescue them: As much as you might want to help, allow them to face the natural outcomes of their choices.
3. Use "I" Statements and Focus on Facts
"I" statements can help you express your feelings without making the other person feel attacked, which can reduce their defensiveness.
Example: Instead of saying, "You are always making excuses," try, "I feel frustrated when deadlines are missed because it impacts the whole team's progress."
Stick to the facts: When they begin to deny or invent excuses, gently redirect the conversation back to the reality of the situation.
4. Become a "Grey Rock"
This technique is especially useful in situations with highly manipulative individuals. The idea is to become as uninteresting and unreactive as a grey rock.
Provide minimal emotional response: Don't get angry, sad, or frustrated. Respond with simple, factual answers.
Keep your responses short and to the point: Avoid sharing personal details or engaging in long conversations. This removes the emotional fuel they need to continue their B.E.D. behaviours.
5. Encourage a Growth Mindset
While you can't change them, you can model and encourage a different way of thinking.
Praise accountability: When they take a small step toward responsibility, acknowledge and praise it. This positive reinforcement can encourage more of that behaviour.
Reframe problems as opportunities: When a problem arises, focus on the solution. Ask questions like, "What's the next step to fix it?" instead of dwelling on who is at fault.
6. Know When to Walk Away
In some cases, the B.E.D. behaviour is too deeply ingrained or toxic to deal with. It may be part of a larger pattern of manipulation or abuse.
Assess the cost: Consider the emotional toll this person's behaviour is taking on you. Is your relationship with them worth the constant stress and frustration?
Limit contact: If the relationship is not essential, it may be best to limit your contact with them. In extreme cases, it may be necessary to end the relationship entirely.
Seek professional help: If you are dealing with such a person is causing you significant distress, a therapist or counsellor can help.
Take charge of your life! Only you can do it!
Comments